Week 10

Week 10

From LTC “Love Ethics” Week 3 – Keith/Katey 11/28/07

The Ministry of Change:

Review and Conclusion of the Reason for Repentance

The Process of Repentance

(start around min 49; stop around 1:50)

Your Pursuit of Significance can be:

Either Hate-Driven or Love-Driven



People are barriers People have needs
Fights/resists others Yields/gives to others
Destructive – Trail of bloody victims in your wake Constructive -the people left in the wake are edified & built up people in life
Demands, anger, resenting (raise voice) Patiently wins significance
  • If someone is “dissing” you – you haven’t done enough (yet) to win them over. You do not need to get in someone’s face – instead patiently love them.

Implications of hate…

We view hate as so removed from us. HA! WRONG!

We do this all the time when we fight, resist, and hurt those around us. We come at people with are hate and our anger and our resentment. That is what hate is.

The bible has many idiomatic constructions for hate:

  • like “to kill in the heart” – rather it means that the love for that person has been killed by choice – your have killed your love for someone in your heart.
  • to “spit at someone in the heart” – that is what hatred looks like.

Allender does a good job describing hatred. He describes hate as something that weaves in and out and comes and goes. These spiteful feelings are what hate looks like.(See BOLD LOVE by Dan Allender).

All of us get consumed by hate. Every one of us!

  • But, John says that the one who hates his brother “lives and walks around in the darkness and doesn’t know where he is going because the darkness has blinded his eyes.”
  • Here is the problem with hate. You get all resentful and hateful with people then you lose your way.
  • Have you heard the expression “blind with rage?” You don’t have to have a great deal of rage to become blind. It is easy to be in this prolonged negative emotional state. You are bumping into walls/barriers and will never be over your hatred.

In your marriage…..



No yelling:

  • Yelling is so hateful.

  • Some one says: “But I can’t help it.”

  • Come on folks! There is a point where we can all draw the line. For instance, none of you pee in your pants any longer. 

    • “I do not poop in my bed.”

    • “I do not yell.” You can help it!

If I must yell, then …

  • I leave and I go outside.

  • I call a friend. There is nothing wrong with saying that I have to “cool off.”

  • Always let your spouse leave so that they can cool off. Do not confront your spouse when they are hot and angry.

No cussing:

  • It also means no cussing at each other.

  • This means you can not have “hallway sex” you know when you pass your spouse in the hallway and say, “FU” and they reply with an equally violent “FU too.”

  • These are the rules. These things keep the relationship sane.

  • Have a rule in your marriage where you never call each other names.

No Threats:

  • Absolutely no threats.

  • By threats, I mean: “If you keep this up, I will divorce you.” or “I wish I never married you.”

No Violence:

  • Violence is prohibited.

  • This goes for you women too!

  • No throwing things.

  • If you can not get a grip on these 4 rules, you have serious problems. GET HELP!


  • Tell on your spouse – because the body of Christ cares – the one who continues in this sin will have the wrath of the Body of Christ to come down on them.

  • It is not acceptable to keep your dirty sins a secret. Do not hide these sins.

  • Put these issues out in the open. By not revealing what is going on, you are letting them get away with this sin – they must confess so that they can repent. This is key for genuine healing to occur. It is so easy to keep our sins private.

  • It is hard to confess a sin to your peers like “I am a wife beater.” than to tell your beaten wife that you are sorry and won’t do it again. This sin will occur again. When sin is brought into the light, a person can be healed and matured in love.

Review the Pillars of Pride:

Important Vocabulary:

  • The Pillars of Pride are the weak structures and framework of the outer man which support the Pride Barrier.

  • The outer man is the depraved persona or identity, fortified by the pride barrier and made alive by the fallen heart. Through salvation and mortification it is rendered powerless at its core, since God has given us a new heart. Yet still the vestiges remain, fortified by the Pride Barrier. It contains the Pillars of Pride and False Strategies from our natural lives.

  • Pride Barrier is The thick, impenetrable wall surrounding the heart, which nobody-even God (by his own decree) – can penetrate, pushing us deeper into depravity.

    • Clarifications: While this barrier inhibits the feeling and giving of love, it could be argued it is a necessary strength in the Kosmos (as in Plato, translated “magnificent”). It is the outcome of rebellion and independence from God (Romans 1:30), and has the side effect of keeping us lonely and isolated (see 1 Peter 5:5). It is the thick, self-protective callous covering the heart (see James 4:16). It is the underlying strength for the Outer Man, its unifying principle, and its fuel for growth. It’s the bullseye for God’s work of Regeneration in our lives, it’s the authority from which we’re redeemed, and although nobody but its owner can lower this defensive barrier, the Work of Ministry is aimed at weakening the Pillars of Pride.

  • Heart is the core, central part of a human which enables the faculty of love relationships.

The work of ministry comes up against the people’s pride. This pride is the hard thing that surrounds the heart – it keeps us from loving and feeling love.

PILLARS OF PRIDE: permanent love values

(glued together by the pride barrier.)

The proud outer man

interconnected/intertwined PLV’s





“It’s about me!”

Cherished pains

“I deserve better…”


“I don’t need God!”


“You owe!”

Work Sub

“I’m right!”



Work for Love


The Work of Ministry works to chip away our lies, scars, ingratitude and our strategies

  • The point trying to be made is that when our work, which is the work of ministry, comes up against pride – it is a complicated work and multi-faceted.

  • Take this list back to your cell, or to those whom you are discipling, or those with whom you have relationships.

  • Look at this list to determine where the Lord is looking for change.

  • Use is as a tool.

  • Compare and contrast the immature means of acquiring significance with each mature.

You can get significance from either demands or through humility -the difference between immaturity and maturity is that immature is demanding while mature is humble.

The Transformation of Love Ethics

Significance through Pride (immaturity)

Significance through Humility (maturity)

Total depravity: without value

Having value to your existence

Erects walls/alienation

Vulnerability/openness – opens up your heart

Strong, relentless force

Is learned/chosen/ free will is a big deal

Basis for a legalistic lifestyle

Basis for forgiveness/grace

Controls others

Accommodates other’s free wills

Lies as an identity

Truth is primary in love

Triggers violence

Is a peacemaker

Produces strong, negative emotional forces (hatred)

Benevolent emotions that bless (Emotions are a part of loving)

A builder of monuments

Builds a legacy in the Kingdom of God

Conquers through smashing

Conquers through love

Perverts reality

Adopts reality: lives within it. No longer fighting reality – your estimation of yourself is unreal

Pride imprisons: takes on its own momentum – this is why forgiveness is so difficult

Humility opens new possibilities: “the truth sets you free.”

Perverts “love” … sexual conquest,enabling

Defines Agape Love – 1 Cor 13

Opposes truth through lawlessness

Lives in the Truth and loves the truth

Redefines truth: the center of the universe is me

Goes to God for Truth: He’s the center

Makes forgiveness impossible. (“I can’t forgive.”)

Forgiveness is infinite (70 X 7)

Blames others (ie God/family/friends/spouse)

Admits wrongdoing and asks forgiveness



God must oppose it

God delights in it and gives it “a greater grace.” (James 4)

Implications are HUGE…

Ask yourself these questions … discuss them in you cell.

  • What significance do you currently have? What makes you so valuable?

  • How are you becoming significant? You are trying to become significant – are you aware of it?

  • With whom are you becoming significant? It is something that others grant you.

  • To whom are you grateful for giving you significance?

  • To whom & how have you demonstrated thankfulness for giving you significance?

  • How are you promoting the significance of “So & So.”

  • How is “So & So” using hateful ways to demand significance? Do you see them demanding significance?

  • To whom is “So & So” becoming more significant?

  • What are the deceitful way you (or “So & So”) seek to gain significance? Are you blinded by pride?


Part 2: The Process of Repentance

For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears; not so that you would be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you.

(2 Corinthians 2:4 NASB)

We need to put this into practice – it is delicate business.

Case Study of Breaking Through the Pride Barrier:


The Problem


Single, lonely dude

Relationally alienated

Crash into his life with warmth/he so needs to be hugged;

Contentious, legalistic, ritualistic upbringing


Break his rules; be spontaneous with him and have fun with him through highly charged emotion. This is opposed to intellectual interaction.

Youngest child


Encourage him

“Successful engineer”


Be vulnerable and share about your own life – then it is the cold guys turn



Show emotional concern – you must show warmth



– he is probably a spoiled brat – his is used to having his way – call him out on his sin – call him a self righteous sinner – you have “dirt dude.”

Let us use some of what we have been learning? What should we do?

Case Study of Basic Repentance


The Problem


11-year old male

Has a “melt down” because cell group was canceled. The rules were not followed.

Do not reason with him – He is irrational – being calm is outside their realm of reality.



Stop the demands – Confront his demands with emotional force?Meet emotion with emotion – irrational emotion.

From a Christian Family


You need to write down the names of the people who have given to you – who is giving to you freely? The kid was excited about doing the assignment – the gloom had turned to joy. Call on the brats to have a change of heart.

Problem: “What do you do with a broken hearted kid?”

Change of Heart: An Overview

Start at Ungrateful:

  • Nothing to be thankful for!

Move to “I’m so needy”:

Romans 1:21ff

For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures. Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them. For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

  • I demand!

Next move towards Law-based “love”: I deserve, I deserve, I deserve!

James 2:13

For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment.

  • Reactionary
  • Argue
  • They want to play law – play the law game with them. People deserve nothing.

Finally move towards poisoned thoughts:

James 2:4

have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil motives?

  • Withdraw; hate
  • Judge, whine …
  • Sending them to their room to pout – does not accomplish any good – they are not calming down – they are escalating the issue – the hatred was increasing. They must become thankful.

The Changed Heart is a repentant heart

Starts with a thankful attitude:

  • I am not alone
  • They feel loved and glad that they are not alone.

Moves towards the mind set of “I am so RICH!”:

  • “I can give to others.” That is what the thankful heart says.

This leads to grace-based love:

James 2:12

So speak and so act as those who are to be judged by the law of liberty.

  • This is the sort of love that is proactive and not reactive.

Finally movement towards God’s heart:

1Corinthians 13:13

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

  • Faith, hope, love

The Bridge of Repentance Moves from point A to point B

Transforming or converting immature to mature.

  • Ungrateful to Thankful through a little Cuddle
    • I am giving you reasons to be thankful
  • Needy to “I’m so RICH!” through a little Paddle
    • Stop your demands
  • Law-based love to Grace-based love through a little Cuddle
    • I love you with grace
  • Poisonous Thoughts to God’s Point of View through a little Paddle
    • Confront the demands and call them out that they are demanding.

The love demands must stop and we must learn to love with maturity. That is what repentance looks like.

But how do we stop the demands?

Stop the Irrational Demands:

Through the Process of Cuddle and Paddle (as in SPANK).


  • I suspend my logic grid and process your reactions
  • I see things through your eyes – I must come at him from his world – I must try to see the world through their eyes – empathy is important, but only after the violent demands have ceased.
  • I make you feel loved even by your irrational rules. This is the cuddle. Talk their talk – get into their world.

We connect the Present Love Feelings to the Paddle by demonstrating Godly Permanent Love Values.


  • If you are mean, I choose to love you no matter what you do. (It’s like: “You’re kinda cute when your angry.”)
  • “STOP!” (No explanation needed. This is like when Indiana Jones whip out the gun and shoots the crazy sword swinging man.)

Irrational Heart: Case Study


The Problem


Married 18 years, 2 kids She dropped out of fellowship, alienated and angry at everyone The guy is complaining about his wife – she needs her love bank filled up.
Both Christians, 2-3 years in fellowship Everyone is mad at her. He has been disengaged with the wife – he needs to move towards his wife and to become more conversational with her and they need to build a friendly relationship with one another through a consistent tribe time – help her to smile and relax.
Super-Mel engineer dude, uptight No sex; wants no physical contact. They need to stop relating on a issued based talk – you do not go after a choleric’s will – they do not crack ever.
Wife is a nasty choleric “bitty.” Purchases increasing, financial problems growing. She must stop the violent behavior – she will agree that the violence is wrong – but you must fill that love bank.
  She’s getting angrier and more functional with the kids. Negative emotions feel good when the love bank is empty – anger triggers the same dopamine that joy releases.
  Won’t come to counseling; verbally abusive/accusatory. She must deal with her bitterness